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[Information] :: July 13, 2006-- 22:42 PST ::

The sweet tantalizing tastes of a revived past... It has been far too long since I've sat and not only wrote but had a different type of conversation with an old friend. I do admit that the eagerness in finding a friend is mayhaps a bit childish, and the fear of allowing someone to know me quelshes nearly any chance of them to become more than an acquaintence. But, for those few who I dearly hold onto, not in a tight bind, but close enough to show that their friendship means a great deal to me and I would not allow it just drift away without somewhat of a fight. I sit this evening speaking to a friend of whom I've not seen in quite a few years. I am abashed of how much has changed in our short lives, but yet I'm also rather glad that it is something that can be like how it was 'back in the day'. I guess I feel some comfort about it because reflecting on how the past was is a nice way to stablize oneself. You always know what it was like and how it was... Even if it wasn't very nice, happy, or even painless, you still know that at one point in your life, things were stable (There is stability in chaos. I know it well)

I sit here now, with my eyes closed and the cool nights air breathing its loving breath 'pon my neck enjoying how it once was nearly five years ago in my past. Growing up with a friend dear to me who is still himself, and yet grown in many wyas. I hope nights like this happen many times ot remind myself that their are points in life where you can take a breath of fresh air and exhale the past once again in a light of bliss and concious serenity.

I have missed my friend, and glad he is back, more than he may ever know.

-Xeno

[Information] :: May 17, 2005-- 22 :57 PST ::

And yet another change in design. Learning from engineers and general life, simplier is better.
Mayhaps to complain about how everything in one day can irritate me so, I rather just loath
in this murky, boil flesh I call a living human. My festering thoughts do not die until
my seething hatred is put to ease. I digress. T'was not a bad day, but it was a
very very very wretched placement of annoyingly bad luck.
~Xeno

[Information] :: March 06, 2006-- 23 :30 PST ::

So here I ponder, so here I sit. Writing this language, this code, and this 'blog'. I do not enjoy that term for I feel that these words are more dear to me than any other person's journal of bitching. I will submit that I have my own rants, but they tend to be earned.

Much has changed in my life, I feel that I have grown so much in so little time. Almost of baring mental 'growing pains' where residual thoughts are bared and stretched and memories are all but blurry and obscure thru the hustle and bustle of the world. I feel somedays I am unable to stop only to merely ponder for myself... Something I enjoyed back when I only worked at an arcade and the only 'worry' was working enough hours to feed myself such pitiful food.. I was ignorant then, and less ignorant now after many further footsteps 'pon the road of life. I miss sweeping those carpets there, the shouts of people and the unique but domesticated smell of a workplace... Was that truly the 'best part' of my life? Is this the 'best part' of my life? I do not know... I feel I will not know... But I did enjoy it then, I do enjoy reminencing about my flawed childhood and teen-hood thru work and thru writing this. There is always some solice, a fresh cut into gleaming ice of myself as I pour these letters along this digital page... It is simple, enjoyable and yet I feel I do not do it enough... Obviously as it has been almost a whole year since a good post last... I apologize... Life.. Work... Girlfriend... Friends... Troubles... Estranged family.... I seem to have forgotten that this is also something that I enjoy.. That I lavish in for the few minutes i'm able to write down what I wish.... Even if it may seem dribble to myself or you later... It is my own delicious oasis. No worries about tonight or tomorrow... The stress of the day has dripped down my shoulders and is awaiting for a new day to claw back along my spine... Maybe it is because I havn't wrote in so long... Or I have 'so much' to put down... Or I simply just miss writing... Right now is good... Serene....

For some reason as of late I've been curious about what is out there... In more than just a physical sense.. A spirital or deitic sense of power and unfathomable amounts of strength in so many ways... We live in a world that has many paradox's, and so many forces that we do not see, nor feel that are intangible to us, but so vital to our existance our ignorance begits its own value... We live in a universe that many things can't be explain but we use them to our advantage. Some things like this are so frusterating and infuriating that we abuse this gift or energy, or whichever you may want to call it, and yet we do not know of any, if any reprecussions we may receive from it. It is just simply fascinating that we are so obtuse to the fact that life is much more than what we see before us... How little we know, how much we have yet to uncover... Although I'm nearly in tears just going over such a variety of idea in my head, I feel I am terrified at what will be exposed throughout our lifetime and that of our future descendents. How truly unique that hopefully one day we will discover many mysteries of our life, world and universe that command so much of our physical existance, and hopefully does not control our 'free thought'.

I am also curious within these 'forces' are there some things that are 'ment to be' or simply Karma, or good things happening in such a sequence or pattern that it merely works in the background of life... I am not sure.. I felt lately that some things almost happen for a reason, or that small cycles of life have a domino effect... I have only conciously realized this, or atleast noticed it in the last few months where if I had, or anyone else had done something a moment sooner or later, the whole positive outcome could have been all but non-existant. It is ...Strange...
I am afraid that our lives may not be as 'free, open, lawless' as we once thought.. That maybe we are... marionettes? I believe that would be one of my worst fears to have... To be not of my own character.. To be a puppet where the strings are pulled at my heart, emotions, and mind. I do not think I could live in such a life, even though the fact that we are sentient beings, living on a stable enviroment with so many technological wonders... I do not feel I could live... I would fear the idea of not living, but death is only the last step in our lives... I do not know, nor think I know about anything beyond it. Some peacefulness is in the idea of reincarnation or some type of purgatory and/or heaven and hell... but... It is so scary. Mayhaps this is our purgatory? We are on this land to prove to one or more deities that we are honorable, strong, courageous and forward-thinking spirits with individual thoughts and open hearts... I don't know... So many things we do not know.. how could you not be afraid of what is the 'right answer'? For some reason... I do not think anyone will ever know.. It is a sad thing... I guess that is where faith comes into the picture for a lot of humans.. I do not believe I could have such a strong faith as that... My own feelings have lead me into the idea of 'Maybe there is something else out there "...but I do not know.. I fear for not knowing.. Maybe a bit of the answer.. For if there is an intangible deity.. How did it come to exist? So... many openings... I am lost.. confused and a bit tired... I shall go lay down and hopefully fall asleep within the next few hours... My insomnia has become much worse in the last 8 months...
~Xeno

[Information] :: July 14, 2005-- 00 :57 PST ::

I don't understand why I linger on and off different games/activities.

No I don't have much to talk about. My social life is nil because I work
(at a remarkable place yet) with no one my own age. Its hard somedays to
not be around those my own age. Yes I hate my peers, and my friends, the few
, the proud, the lonely are busy with their own lives too.

What I wouldn't give to not have to work and to take 5 classes at college,
busting my ass studying and enjoying college.

I got a raise to a semi-substantial amount and its making life a bit easier, though
I'm not saving much due to past credit problems.

I guess this is more so a personal life update. No paradigm-shifting thoughts really.
I'm exhausted because I can't fall asleep until 12 am or later and I have to wake up at 7 am.

I apologize for this personal rant. I am just in a sour mood as of late and
have been a bit gruff to those who care about me (single digit guess).

I spoke with an interesting lady the other day about life and my past experiences.
I wonder somedays if I feel that I'm actually a victim of what has happened or
if I am just some kid acting out the loop holes of life and practicaly lying about my past.
Yes, I was hurt in many forms when I was younger.
Yes, I was alone much of my life.
Yes, I had no positive role-models. Male,female, mother, father or siblings.
No, I didn't have many friends
No I don't do drugs
I don't know why I am where I am
I don't know what tomorrow will bring
I am afraid that I am a false creature holding onto some 'lie' that is inside of me
I am afraid that people will see that lie and I will have no honor or strength
I am afraid that my mental illness is restricting me more with every day.
I cannot understand why I think the way I do or respond the way I do
I cannot understand when a simple thing makes me frusterated

I am not sure of myself, my world or my life.

forgive me for my sins, my errors and my lies
forgive me of my pain, my anger, and my weakness
forgive me
bless me
kill me
love me

My pain bleeds like a small river flow, trickling down the jagged edge
of life
The searing pain, the burning flesh, the dull ache of each moment
of life
My 'wisdom' is nothing, My 'surviving' is worthless. I feel so empty
in life
I am close to giving up, I wish for something to take the burden of
being on my own and raising myself.
I want to be spoiled.
Spoil me rotten with someone who cares about me when I come home.
Spoil me rotten with allowing me not to worry about making rent, or electricity or food bills.
Spoil me rotten with giving me the *option* of going to school

Spoil me, for I know no childhood.

Just do not harm me. I fear the act of not living, but I do not fear dying.
I do not invite death, I do not await it. I accept that it will happen.

There are those who are better and worse than you.
Learn from those who are better and teach those who are worse.
-Xeno

[Information] :: December 14, 2004 -- 17 :12 PST ::

I'm looking to create a Philosophy (and other things) Forums. Probably going to put my link on
a few sites and inexchange get a few more hits here from a fresh audience. That doesn't promise
more updates but atleast more attention to the site for atleast a few days.

www.xenostalgia.com/bio.html A Bio about me. Probably going to scan in a picture that I sketched
of myself. Input suggested.

Got hired at a bad-ass job making more then most 30 year old's make.
~Xeno

[Information] :: October 12, 2004 -- 23:27 PST ::

I only hope I can understand the Varelse beasts that roam my heart and soul.
For they are my memories, past lives and antique meanings that only I have felt.
And they hold that key which unlocks my true person.

Mayhaps on another level I have unearthed, if you will, an alternate meaning of my alias.
Xeno - Alien / Unearthly being
Nostalgia- Past memories, essence of meaning.

One book that encaptured my spirit was called 'Xenocide'. (Orson Scott Card) This book
hit such a depth of a string that I wept at its end. I understood what they have done and what
was lost in such a magnificent but unfortunately needed move. My heart longs for that Ramen
being to live and strive for life as all do.

Mayhaps I'm on a tangent. But I have learned for once I found not one, but two Idols that I could only
begin to attempt to follow in such foot steps.
1) Andrew "Ender" Wiggin
2) Julian "Bean" Delphiki

They are both who I wish to see myself as a goal. Not to their deepest nature, for then I would not be myself.
But their intelligence, quit wit, cunning, and damned luck.

Hero's Shadow - Xeno.

[Information] :: August 3, 2004 -- 01:05 PST ::

New day, new bullshit. Just realizing more about my weaknesses, or faults if that is what you want to call them. Not really sure how to get over 'em. Just reading 'Way of the Peaceful Warrior'. I find myself rather similar. So much so I can barely read a chapter a month. I really don't know how to respond to that book since it is rather close to home. Not 100% but very similar to my paradigm, or lack of, or twisted skewed pain-infected perception of thoughts. Not sure. I'm really not sure... -Xeno

[Information] :: May 7, 2004 -- 23:49 PST ::

I want to grow. I want to life.... I want to love..

My new post will explain most of how I feel, yet I do not feel satisfied with how much I've conveyed yet. I suppose I am jealous of an anime. 'Ranma 1/2' I will tell you that I do not give a rats-ass if you
do not like or care for any japanese-animation or have any negative feelings towards it, I dont want to hear. Anyways, there is a scene where the two main characters, who pretend to hate eachother, stare at one another and have simply the most blissful and passionate moment. I wish of that. But, I'm scared. This is so new to me, I'm afraid that I will be hurt or destroyed. I do not want to say I'm weak or helpless, but I am not sure what kind of emotions or feelings that will stir upon me. I want to have that moment more then anything in the world at this time. .... I still want to feel love despite how much I have forgotten how badly I've been hurt. I want to love, so will my Akane come to my side and allow my cheeks to dry, allow my soul to burst into flames, and simply allow me to be free of these corrupt, containing thoughts.

-Xeno

P.s. Now my guts have been spilled upon the floor once again. I'm weary of this lacking in my life. I want to write more and feel this pain some more as I grow and ....hopefully... love.

My heart is locked upon its own prison: Heart

[Information] :: May 7, 2004 -- 23:49 PST ::

Briefly thinking of religion, I was talking to a friend for a while and we came on the subjet of the difference between a Religion and a Philosophic idea/purpose. I've shortly been thinking of something rather odd, even for my own self. I enjoy the thoughts of Buddism, though it does lead into a few aspects of which does not appeal to me. Upon a bit more thinking and discussion with Ryan we spoke that Religion generally changes the way a person would change his or her own life. A philosophical pose would be to simply offer new thoughts, ideas, views, and emotions for what we live in. It is all very interesting, and for me to boldy suggest and offer my own internal working and beliefs, I would only be grateful and ecstatic that people would want to learn. I have thought of a way to express a new type of philosophy, though of course this is just coming out now, even most of the thoughts are floating in my head like the sweet powdered clouds of a hanging sun, I wish to offer these points for you. Yes I understand this may infringe on your thoughts and beliefs of life, but this
is how I feel and how I think the basics of life and growth can be.
-= : We are not here for any reason. Merely a very large run of luck that allowed us to be
created and evolved to such a current state.
-= Every human being does what s/he believes is 'good', so good is a subjective thought. To be
moral, one must do what is honorable, thoughtful, and with the best outcomes, for all parites, even thy
enemies and thy friends. Wish for the best for everyone, yourself, your family, your friends, your enemies,
and the enemies of your enemies. We are all one.
-= There is no Higher Power, Stronger Being, God, whichever thing of power you wish to choose to call it.
We are alone on this planet, just humans and animals. One day I hope we can accept that unfortunately we are
here to live, enjoy life as best as we can while helping out eachother, procreate, then be laid to rest when
we have done the best at what we can do.
-= I do not impose my feelings onto you, I merely ask you take this with an open mind and a warm heart to
mayhaps ask if this is right, if this is wrong, if this is just or not.
-=
Yes I have asked myself if I believe in a higher power and I have wondered for a time before I felt that I did not. I did come from a strong Christian family with times of going to the church so I was not excluded from that aspect. Just the way that I am, if I were to be shown that there was a higher power I would understand and accept it.

Of couse honestly I do believe in things that have not been 'prooven' with true facts though I do believe in:

Philotic connections [Instantanious connection between two living things.]
ESP - Mind reading
ESP - Seeing the near-future
Energy - Ki
Ghosts
Strong possibility of other living things in the universe
Multiverse theory
Parrallel Universes
Blackhole / Wormhole
Astral Projection

Mayhaps we could have a discussion on this, of course I cannot back it up with facts just what I have experienced and learned from these.

Yes I understand there is not much of a difference from believing in a higher power then from different universes and such things I've listed above. It is just how I feel, that we are not here for any particular reason.

We will most likely get on other topics including but not limited to: Ghosts, aliens, Chi/Ki/Qi, religion, and whatever other items you would like to discuss.

I wish to know your feelings and thoughts of this. Tell me what else you can add to this because as I said we are one, I am not this only standard and neither are you. It is all of us. And soon we will add more to this and create an idea of what philosophy or merely chain of thoughts that we are assembling.
Thank you
Xeno


More over.

I cannot prove that even this is real. That myself, or you or anything is a real thing. We could be the figment of some random creatures imagination, or a type of 'matrix' [I know its lame but it is a possibility and a good example] that we as humans could be just a false dream in a crystal.

I understand that my believe are borderline hypocracy but I do want to say that if I was proven incorrect upon any grounds with reasonable fact I would understand and accept the truth.

[Information] :: May 3, 2004 -- 00:33 PST ::

Mayhaps my psycho-therapy would be in my writing.
I feel quite a bit better after posting my recent 'thoughts' item.
Though it does feel like a cold dagger pierces my stomach and
allows the most harmful and bottled emotions of my mind spill
out, this may be one of the better feelings I experience. I only
hope and wish that as these skeletons tumble from my putrid closet
I do not hurt anyone too terribly badly.
Xeno

[Information] :: April 8, 2004 -- 02:35 PST ::

The Journey of Enlightenment is Eternal. - Xeno

For, you see, these words are pictures.
These pictures are memories.
These memories are from the past.
This past is what was once the present.
The present is when you learned.
Now you have learned again.
This is never ending.
Until we inhale that final orb of air, we shall learn to our last palpitation of our hearts seizes in humble shrine of our empty corpse.

Goodnight.
Xeno

[Information] :: March 21, 2004 -- 22:06 PST ::

New layout, sorta.

-Xeno

March 21,. 2004 ||| 02:24 PST --

If I was to rate my intelligence between 1-10, I would give myself a one.
I know only that I do not know. Yes Socrates did say this, or something
very similiar to it, but I believe it with all of my heart. Transistion is the
hardest part of life, though we are all binded to this.... Being ambiguous
is a weakness not a strength.

-Xeno

November 30,. 2003 ||| 20:04 PST --

Walking down the road, no one to step beside me.
The wind blows hard, no one to stand infront of me
The sun burns my flesh, no one to cover me
The end of the day comes, I am there to embrace you
-Xeno

October 21,. 2003 ||| 00:44 PST --

A sword is a shard a steel.
With it you can shatter the bones of your foe,
and slice their heart in two.

But words my friend,
they can shatter a person living life,
they tear apart the soul.

-Xenostalgia.

September 14,. 2003 ||| 00:42 PST --

I deleted my recent updated folder so I might of lost a 'Thoughts'
C'est la via. But oh well. I mentioned before I have a new
Flash-Intro and so that should be a nice little eyecatcher asides
a few different changes you've might of noticed,
::Brings out large bundle of paper and lets it drop. Hitting the floor
with a soft 'kerplunk' of leaflets spilling out. Clearing throat a
moment before allowing a significant pause for drama.::

....

Nothing!

Kidding, well I've begun to offer Hosting!
Yup, webhosting.. for a measly 5$ a month you get...
Well I havn't decided.. But a nice handful of MB space,
tons of transfer space, and a few email accounts.

Http://Hosting.Xenostalgia.com [Will make a page soon]

And I'll most likely give out free email addy's for
@Xenostalgia.com if you want. Give me a message for it.

Eh, also I've actually had a bit of real life stoppage in my editing.

As most of my closer units know that I've crashed a vehicle.
Saving up for that, and.. This is turning into a cliché blog.
Bleh.. Quarliphogs and Blogernaughts for all!...

..Nevermind I feel better atleast.

Back to the unintersting point-at-hand....

Saving up to repair the car, selling the truck...
Working around 25-30 hours a week and going
to college and doing equal amounts of work.
Not having a single day off unless I ditch either school
or work [Not hardly something I'd do. I'm legitly sick.]

So I'm on my 5th or 6th week with only 1 day off I believe
Tuesday, and I was in a shit mood anyways. So it sucked.
I'm completely out of juice since I can't get a resonable
12-18 hour sleep shift in.

Well.. What else can I complain about...

....Nothing at the moment I'm staring around at a few empty
boxes of food and continplating on whether its edible or not.

Well last thing good is I got a Radeon 9200
128 MB DDR 8x Video card... It Only tops out around 400 FPS
on Quake 3 in the sky, 180+ in middle of a bloody battle.
Everything else it just keeps it going nice. [Not to mention,
I have quality settings up the ass so I can see the ripples of
brain gush coming out of the guys I frag, kekeke.]

~One very Tired and Exhausted Xeno.

August, 13th. 2003 ||| 01:17 PST --

::Gasp:: I'm actually workin on my site..
I'm not sure if its the ease of not working fourty hours a week,
or the pleasant thought of going back to class where my mind can
drift away and think up weird crap. Saw a mecha fight last night
on Blue Gender, anime on Adult Swim. [Cartoon Network's
odd name for basically '4 hours of Anime]. Though my mind flickered,
and I havn't lost what I still have, creavity.. I'm aglow inside.
I've probably lost a friend, though he had drifted away, a very long
time ago.
Scary, two updates under six days... Don't get your hopes up..

August, 7th. 2003 ||| 00:59 PST --

Well... New url. www.Xenostalgia.com... Same setup.. Pretty decent
time... though I've been on a roll. Washed my keys with an electric
alarm system mind you, in the clothes washer last week. And just
tonight I did it with my cellphone.. Damn I hope I some how don't get
my damn dog in there.. Geez. I'm pissed off... Ja matta ne. ~Xeno

May, 27th. 2003 ||| 01:14 PST --



Big pic I know. What a good way to spend my precious, two days off
from work better then staying up late and doing a Gif of my name?
Yes it does say 'Xeno' if you look close enough. Forty hours really
drains you. But yet financial wants have changed location to a Camaro
Not a V-6 either. A nice V-8. but I digress. The site might suffer less
attention that it already does now that this job has me running hand and
foot. Though this sounds like a blog which I despise.
'I saw a flock of Moosen!' - Brian Reagan, great guy.

April, 16th. 2003 ||| 22:06 PST --

I need to grow up... I want to grow up... I'm lacking...

I acquired the tasted of a lost friendship today.

March, 4th. 2003 ||| 12:32 PST --

I've found little, know even less and have only eighteen years of
expierence on my hands. What can that get? Not even a penny
from Bill Gates. The more you know, the more dangerous you are
The more innocent you are the more you are used. Where is the
balance in this world? I've seem to come to a wall with no escape,
but several doors escaping to new worlds of bliss, hate, love, and
even death. What does it all mean --

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

October, 24th. 2002 ||| 01:15 PST --

Thoughts are interesting, half of the time I don't write them down.. The other
time I just imagine I do use them for a purpose, and when that purpose is done, they are over. I've used their significance... 

Afraid of change, though I know it is probably some good.

October, 12th. 2002 ||| 09:30 PST --

Yeah wow, little touchup right before work.. New nav bar hope you like.
It took about a gallon of Dr. Pepper and 4 hours to figure out I was in the
wrong timeline for the flash setup. Kill me...

Rock 'em Sock'em robots never had it so good..

October, 9th. 2002 ||| 19:30 PST --

Yeah made a logo . Love Photoshop and might throw up a little page of stuff 
I've done with it.

Rikem Bramkem  Raw Raw Raw.... Yeah thats right...

October, 8th. 2002 ||| 20:00 PST. --

Beginning of a new reality, where yours ends and mine begins.
Fasten your seatbelts.

If you do not know me, I am lazy as all hell and if you do not see an update
in months, well, tough cookies.