Thoughts:       |||    A New Paradigm; August 11; 2006; 02:22pst      ||| ;;

So is it a wrong thing in one's life to sit and change direction spiritually? Is it a growth or a hinderence? I feel that I have in the past spouted, no, spoke Aethistic beliefs. At the time they were true and whole-heartedly honest. I felt a gap in my self that I proclaimed was the fact that we are alone on this earth and here only for procreation and to die. A true statement on a skin-deep overview. But late I've been pondering many, many things. Earlier in some of these postings I have said that I noticed many odd 'coincedences' happening so frequently and with such a rhythm that they could nearly be not accounted for to be just 'coincedence'. A good example that happened recently is that I spoke for the first time face-to-face with a sibling I have not seen in half a decade. Although I knew in a non-emotional leve that I missed him, it wasn't really a concern nor did it really bother me that we hardly spoke with eachother. A person who I grew up with was not in my life and I didn't care. ( That is how it is for nearly my entire family... I really did not care that they were not in my life and could have cared even less if they died. That is just brass-tacks and how I felt back then. Those feelings and views were not right nor wrong, they just were. ) So during this engangement of resuming a relationship with my brother, we spoke along the lines of spirituality, religion and family. Three topics I tend to disregard with a mild vindiction. I have in the past always, always, always hated my family. This deceptive darkness disillusioned by dampered determination and delicate diversions disuaded development during dangerous durations with dearly daft discourse. (That is an illerative) Meaning I took my hatred for my family beyond the 'Oh I hate you for not letting me go out to so-and-so's party' ::Walks off and slams door:: No, this hatred is with such animosity and flagarant objection towards the relatives that I forced an exclusion of myself from nearly everyone in my family. To the point where I havn't spoken to most of my family in over six, seven, eight and more years. My hatred for my family grew with time, enveloping me and keeping me imprisoned in my twisted virtuous vendetta against those who have done wrong to me. I was never taught forgiveness, responsibility for ones actions, and that you can analyze your family just like you can analyze anyone. I was so blind to these concepts that I held onto my past feelins, the only ones that my mind didn't block out. I kept such a grip of these feelings that I bled in my heart, my hands, and in spirit. These horrid memories of lashed anger towards me, of insult added to injury, of isolation and condescendence, of pain and weakness and humiliation. All of these seeded in my mind the source of utter loathing for my familiy. They gave me all of this pain why the hell should I deal with anyone so insecure in themselves and so disrespectful and mostly harmful to myself, my being and my life? Call it selfish, it was, and it was also self-preservation. So much has built up to this night where I sit with clammy hands typing away once again my bleeding hearts enlightened thoughts. (My apologies for bouncing around.) So, I saw my brother for the time in years and we spoke and remembered many great memories and a handful of painful ones. Between he and my girlfriend, they are doing a bastardly divine job of undoing all of my hard work of entangling my emotions and forcing them from the icy depths in which they were lodged in so perfectly. They have work on prying away my immature (Not in the 'oh he is acting immature' definition) defenses and allowing me to open my eyes into a new light that sees possibilities of consideration towards allowing family, albeit not the best, back into my life with forgiveness and a tentive open-hand. I'm not ready to jump head-in to meet everyone, I figure it will take a long time and a lot of work to get 'ready' to literally be re-introduced to my family. Nearly all of my siblings have kids, most of my cousins do and it would not surprise me if some family forgot that I ever existed. But, now i'm choosing to return to the family, even in the most tenderest and slightest ways, I wonder if they will allow me to return. I guess I'm a bit afraid, not of rejection itself, but of being kicked out of something I left, and that I want to return to. I probably could take it, but I definately wouldn't like it 'cause I've made up my mind that I want to try to atleast talk with a few siblings who at one point hated me. And so, towards the ideas of 'coincedences', I felt in the past that I could never, ever, ever believe in God, or a God if there was a divine path, the world was already set to happen only one way and no matter what 'free will' you wish you have, it is just an illusion of your pre-configured life. I hated that idea and felt that all religions were that way, so of course I kept myself from that too. But, lately I've been considering a slight twist. Maybe most things happen not because of intracite planning, but more so that if you are in a situation with someone, or many people, based on your character and how you react, if you choose the right thing, the noble thing, the honorable thing, and most of the time, the selfless thing, it is just such an occurance that you receive so much in return. (Not just XP bonus *rimshot*). The overwhelming sensation that so many coincidences only happen because it feels like I chose 'the correct outcome, even if it was somewhat at my loss or pain'. I do not believe in a destiny or fate. I am beginning to consider that we are guided towards a certain situation and based on ourselves, we can have an outcome of such wonderous prosperity that would have never been a consideration to us. For example, I spoke with my brother for many hours, and at the end of our conversation I don't believe it could have gone any better. From what was spoke, he helped me clarify many things in my past, why I hold onto the past in a negative connotation, and allowed me to *chose* to consider speaking with my family again in a earnest way and forthwith execution. He did not ask me to, but I chose to, and I will, 'cause I will die in effort to keep my word to whomever it was spoken to. Alas I feel exhausted, 'emptied out' emotionally, tired (its 2:14am...) and some form of emptiness along with some new form of fulfillment that just in the slighest, tiniest, minisculiest way could be a religious acceptence. I don't know and I won't say yes or no. But I'm curious, although I'm confused as many, if not everyone is about spirituality and the exisitance of a higher power. I still have a lot to ponder and even more so to act upon. Hopefully I can reply to this with good news in the future. I fear family and I fear disallowing it. Two concepts a child should never-ever have to consider. I am saddened that I had the lack of what I would consider a close family as I grew up. I did have one for a short time, but now I realize I rejected family in favor of isolation. Now I realize why I chose it, and the possibility of speaking with family once again. (Sorry to repeat.) So... I guess we will see neh?

~Xeno

[Information] :: Thoughts -- My own ::

Thoughts:       |||    Brutal Fear....Brutal Pain....Brutal Truth....Brutal Ignorance...; August 24; 2005; 23:24pst      ||| ;;

I am guessing onw that my fears are more based upon my own thoughts and the tangeled web of pains, fears, lies, and tained memories of my past. To fear that you are a disgusting person who should be loathed and scorned without word is a tough concious thought to say the least. I feel that in many respects I do not deserve what dignity people show nor respect that people give. I insist to some points that I enjoy the sharp, sour taste of the insults cracking like a wicked ivy whip along my shoulderblades. I do not know why such masochistic tendencies are within my skull. I fear that I am that disgusting person who does no go, who feeds no hungry, who helps no needy and who lies to those that deserve only truth, especially to myself. I am lost to the point where I cannot even say to an extent that I know which side is me. I'm alone in the spot between the two figures I see of myself. The falsely happy enjoying laughing one who can get along with anyone and anything, and the rejected, bitter, hunched dark disgusting creature that I fear and beg that is not my true self. But can both be me? I do not understand because I'm more confused and afraid of arousing any fear and any dark thoughts that could arise. I do not with to open a Pandora's Box of my hatred and pains to only push others away and have those who I care about me never look at me in the same light again. Truly, there are so many things I wish to clarify with myself, not only of why I react but who-my-true-character-and-being-is . For I do not know what or who or how my character is or attains life. I think that this evening I've clarified that I feel I am a shell living inside a mobile organ-infested sack of flesh. It seems so hollow and selfish and shallow for me to think that I even understand myself to that point. I apologize for being so assuming of that. I don't know that I do know that I do not know. If you understand that you probably think that too. I feel empty, sad, afraid, no terrified, upset, frusterated, hateful and down right disgusted at myself for who I think I am or could be. I'm scared that the dark demon inside of me is who I am and represents all my true thoughts. I do not wish my first reactions to judge my character, even if I do not seem like I am rough on the outside, I do bite my tounge till the bitter crimson is tasted, and then I bite more so I do not lose a friend, acquientence or even a possibility for gain. Most of my first thoughts and reactions are rough, cruel, and dishonorable. I have learned somewhat to hold that thought and ponder for a moment longer what would be a better thing to say. Unfortunately if I get more upset then any tounge-biting can nullify, I cannot escape what acid my tounge will spit, I cannot help but spread the sweetness of threats, promises and honorable dismemberments to that person(s). Forgive me for being cruel, I know no other way, I only wish to learn that those hectic thoughts are not my true base, center or mindset. I wish to not have to worry about cutting someone down with my words, that I don't have to insult myself consistantly nor insult you without flinching in my mind. I do not wish of it and only loathe it for everymoment is a thought wasted and an extra knife sunk into such a weakened palpitating vessel of my body. I apologize for being myself, but it is the only thing I know to do even if I am wrong, I am sorry for it, I am ignorant.
-Xeno

Thoughts:       |||    Existance; May 19; 2005; 23:40pst      ||| ;;

So why do we take that moment to step? What feeble primative notion kicks into our heads to tighten our muscles, grit our teeth and slam four pounds of meat, bone, and muscle into another humans skull? Truely it is the basic instinct of survival and who is the strongest on the field. But such an escapade is so fruitless, so meaningless, and throughly without anything to have as a victory trophy. After skimming through several sites of fights, brutal attacks, attempted killings of people by vehicles, weapons, and fists of course, I've been drowning myself into the nostalgic pits of my hatred of humans. But further dwelling brought me to a point. A thought and a feeling that tasted of the sweet first drops of honey on the faithfully blooming springtime. It may have been myself or another influence to seek this thought but I truly enjoy it. (I can trail the thought path but nothing to allow me ot make the quantum leap to this thought) And so the thought is: "I only enjoy life on the weekends, thats all I work for, not for food or cars or games or thoughts or writing, just for the weekend to not be weighed by work and stress, more so to be with her is why I work for the weekend. But after I thought about it, I wanted to hit myself for being so short sighted, for being so thoughtless and so arrogantly shallow. I thought "I shouldn't work life solely for the weekends, I should enjoy and live for every breath! Why would I only live for 2/7th's of my life as my body grows older? I feel that I should enjoy life for every second, the good, the bad, and the boring of course. Not to say you can and are able to enjoy the sweetest melody of your mind ticking away for no particular reason, but to atleast acknowledge it is a hurdle so few people can jump let alone know that it exists! So sit there one night, one day, stand there one dusk, one sunset and hold your breath. Take in the powerful life, the majetic idea, the unquestionable fact: That I, you, everyone exists, with sentient thought, along a economically stable planet the size that we could never imagine, in an area that has no boundries and yet no bigging or end, that we -are- alive. Be it we are fake, immobile in a pod tied to machines, someone's imagination, or actually sitting here reading the text on a glowing box, we are alive in some sense. And if it is true, the notion of life itself is so amazingly put off by people it startles me when I forget about it. How can anyone explain existence? I am not talking about the existance of man or the truth of the bible or koran or whichever text you read, but the fact of Existance being existing. That there IS a universe, that there IS a sun a place for us to grow. I'm not sure how to say it or what to believe but the *fact* that we are alive, the *fact* that everything around is some how made up by itself, atoms, or a computer program is mind-boggling. Step back! Its not that you are here, its the fact that no one can prove what existance really came from, or the reason that there IS a universe, that there IS time. That is something that is so phenominally baffling to me I can't imagine any idea that would ever touch what the truth probably is. For me, I know that it is a blessing, a gift, a pain, a torture, but most importantly: life. We are concious at this moment. I cannot explain why there is a universe, why we live at all. I don't know why I think this or feel so lost in not being in my body. I feel as if my soul is at the edge of a paradigm where I see the past of our universe and the past of nothing. Nothing is what should be. there is no reason, no plause, no excuse and no fact to prove why we are in existance. (I know I sound like a broken record but its something I'm not sure only text can describe how I came to this).

The final point is: Existance is what we are.
My final opinion: I do not think there ever should of been anything to grow, no universe, no humans, no plants, no hought. Yes, scientifically there is be nothing anywhere, being no living creatures ever and no stars and no wonders magics that humans create new technology with. Its hard to take the fact that "YOUR-ENTIRE-LIFE-CULTURE-RACE-THOUGHTS-LOVE-PAIN-EXISTANCE is something that should have never happened. and to know that it did, on some level truely brings me to another paradigm. What created our existance? Not us, but the fact that there is a space for auniverse to be born and stars of such capacity that one spec of dust is only a fraction of a fraction of the size of millions of miles that it can expand.
What caused all of this? I do not know. I am a bit fearful, but I feel that its only because I have no base to stand on, nothing to hold onto as I understand that our existance should not be. I am not sure which ledge will catch me but I hope to feel better tomorrows morn.
~Xeno

Thoughts:       |||    Thought-Center; May 17; 2005; 23:05pst      ||| ;;

The outlandish thought that I could ever understand myself, those around me or what is the essence of our lives. What a fool to think that one could be wise enough to understand the ploys that our mind plays with its unlimited capacity for creation and inferiorly inhibited ability to comprehend such processes. How dare anyone allow oneself to believe for a moment that they could seek such uncomprehendable knowledge, such unfathomable power, and such idiotic joy. The small bit of gold you have lay between your ears is the most important thing in the world to you, until the dreaded day when your heart no longer brings that freshing air to the choking thought-center. The day that it happens where those last moments pass by your eyes, the regrets, the losses, the pains, the frusterations and of course the joys of your life are gone. What lay at another's feet is only pounds of meat beginning its process of rotting. Though naught but five minutes prior this living thing could breathe in life, allow joy to be taken and of course given. Why must it happen that our minds pretend to think we are invincible? Why do our thoughts take us by the neck and force us into dark corners of fear, of pain, of agony, of agitation and of murder? Why can we not understand the reason that our minds ask -- no urge us to do something that will have no greater cause in the largest stage of the world? Why do we bask in the greatness of intelligence? Why do we learn more about our lifes and that which interests us? Why do we love and care and hate and kill? Why do we think we are great? Why do we think we they are bad?
.....Why do we think?

~Xeno

Thoughts:       |||    Who knew...; November 3; 2004; 00:13pst      ||| ;;

Who knew, so much pain could be cause from a relationship? Everyone says such pain is always going to come and smash those few apart. Who knew, it would be so painful that the jagged edge of a cliff tasted with temptation? Who knew, the sultry look of revenge would be so everclear? Who knew, that in the darkest hour one would look at the person who hurt him the most and yet longed for him the most? Who knew...

I do not know. I know the pain that the axe of bitterness and weakness as slashed at what truth I felt dear. I know the blade of carnage and disgust and dishonesty had slain what yearning in my breast held dear. I know that what only binds now is a thread of passion, compassion and caring, despite how much forgivness heals those severed veins. Mayhaps I was too cocky to think I could avoid pain, mayhaps I believed I could drown in it. Mayhaps I am a liar, but mayhaps I am beginning to accept pain.

In six months of caring, one lady destroyed almost as much of my trust and faith as my mother did in twelve years. That is impressive on most accounts, asides the fact I lived with my mother and I was forced to be within her beatings and lies. This lady has lied to me, to my face, and I forgave her. Lied again the next day, and I forgave once again. On the third day she lied about the other lies, and I am sitting and searching if I have forgiveness left. I have never forgave anyone before. And for a double occurance? She is extrodinary. I will not deny it. But, the problem is I base my friendships and relationships on Trust and Honesty. I believe in those two values more then most people believe in their religions! I do not know, for this vixen has tainted my heart with poision and spread herself with the antidote laid between such velvet soft thighs. Mayhaps another trick, mayhaps the honesty is true. My confusion cannot find what my heart longs for. My mind says to run and hide from such a temptress of pain. My heart longs to lay beside her and forgive all those accidents and mistakes and unworthy actions of her nature. My mind says she has no character her body is weak and heart full of guilty. My heart feels that to strike her would be to shatter her spirit.

So I sit here as my heart and battles drowns my voice.

To be safe and away from someone who hurt me so viciously that it tops some of the worst things that has been done in my life, to be secure and not to worry about any more pain and to return to a life of true trust and unwaivering honesty?

Or...

To be shielded with an empty parasol. The hot sun promising to stay away and to keep me warm, not too far away to freeze me and not too close to burn me. Yet my flesh has already met two of those wounds and they are only healing slowly. This sun who's warmth taught me so much and opened me up to so much. I am afraid to lose such a thing in my life, but could I stay with such a little amount of trust only vasts reaches of time would allow me to truly feel so close to her that I could lay my life in her hands once again?

I fear that I hold her spirit in my left hand and my safety in my right. I cannot put my safety within her and not believe it to be in danger. Yet I cannot crush her to save my safety niche without being torn to shreds because of the last bit of trust was given away and not allowed to be earned back.

So, I sit here with my hands infront of me, a tear on each cheek and a stomach ache that would not fall to a gallon of medicine.

Here I sit, for the first time in my life, stumped.

~Xeno

Thoughts:       |||    A Sense of ...Clarity?; August 3; 2004;       ||| ;;

I don't know what it is really... When I write I feel a bit different. A proverbial 'cool breeze' slips into my mind, I feel more confident and somewhat relaxed. Maybe even a little cocky. I *only* feel this when I'm writing, which is right now. I have not ever felt it at any other time. I cannot describe it nor why I feel it for any reason. It is so baffling I am just planted in my own confusion. Is this the prison of my mind? The farthest away from the tunnel of true reality? Am I succumbing to an inevitable fall into a false image of myself and life? I don't know at all. I'm not even sure if everything I do is to actually 'get away' from my emotions and feelings, all the negative ones which easily account for 99.99% of them, not over-estimating I'm a lil off up in my head. Do these things I prefer and rather enjoy doing allow myself to fall deeper into my depression, my sicken, miserable state of thought?

When my mind blanks, it is literally empy, no color, no sound, no light, nothing. The 'color' you see when you close your eyes is how I feel between the intrusive thoughts and mechanical workings of every day. It may seem a bit blissful, but this state is caused by me forgetting everything. I've touched on a mouth ful...

Most people find a drug, or alcohol, or physical detrimental action to dull the pain of real life and the shittiness of it. From an early age I guess I 'aquired' the ability to forget. Not intentional, not with cause.. Just to forget. It sucks, so you know. It is not selective, it is not an ability I can control. I just forget damn near everything. Because, for right now I came to the short-hand conclusion that 'If I forget it will not hurt me' [[ Not how I think of it, but I believe that is how my innerself came to *use* the idea. More so just explaining it right now. ]] So if you say something nice, I'll forget, something mean, I'll forget. Tell me to take out the trash? I'll forget. There is a reason why, though I have no friggin clue as to what... I hope I can find out... I really do. Its so painful to me because it is so frusterating.

So the 'blankness' of my thoughts is rather odd and hard to explain. When in this 'area' I can react to alot of things easily and quickly, though it has no substance. It is a barrier, a facade, a wall. It hinders me in alot of ways because those reactions are just mechanical. And they are geared to surivival, in meaning that they are just courtesy and 95% not what I want to really say, do, or act out. Though I'm sure I'd be in jail by now if it was not for that barrier. Not saying that everything I want to react to is in a really bad way, I can't even react a hint negativly. Its just a 'smile and nod' then I'll dwell on it and hate it and hate myself for being too weak to respond. Once in a great, great while I can though it is over kill and I 'explode'. Not alot, just al ittle, and it is SO hard not to continue, to let it all out. [The 'equality' of built up and pent up anger, frusteration, pain, agony, torture that I've come to 'see' is taking an older gray-brick well and having it over flow with putrid black oil-like hate. There is just so much I'm not sure if I'm able to allow it out or not. Its not that I dont let things go now, which I try atleast, but I don't know how to vent for the last nineteen years. I wasn't allowed to. I mean that literally, I got degraded, insulted then punished to be on solitude for weeks on end if I was to even 'talk back'. So, I dont know how to let that wel go, or even understand how to take a cup out at a time.

There are soooo many things I see myself lacking: Intelligence, charisma, strength, honor, respect, common sense, a good [proverbial] heart. a good heart [physical, it hurts sometimes, I dunno why tho. Genetics I suppose.] I don't hate myself for lacking those, I'm just upset at myself for not being able to have them. Mostly being too weak to tell you I hate you, or that you are ugly, or that joke wasn't funny. I struggle with this. Just like my sporatic posts, my pains are all built up and will get let out someday, not sure how or whatever but... I hope they get out someday.

As for my prison, all of what you have read above, and if you have even been paying attention to the last two years, that is all my facade. The invisible bars of my jail are strong and I'm hurting myself because I cannot see them. I want to be free, to have free uninhibited thoughts of playfullnes and joy and just.. compassion? I don't know. I guess my heart is still cold or useless or just too weak to be opened up for fear of pain, not rejection.

Along all of that, there is yet more, alot more with me but more for now. As I have grown and atleast observed the weaknesses and openings of my shallow carcass, I have been able to atleast touch on some painful and rather sensitive items called 'emotions'. Hell, maybe they are being used for the first time. Well, asides anger, resentment and the like. A few have had their surfaces scratched. Not sure what ones since I don't know how to identify them. A mental block at the moment.. Ah... Well, because of these new emotions arising, I'm beginning to just learn how to 'use' them, or at the very least, identify what they react to, barely. Because of this, they are hyper-sensitive, because they have never been really allowed to be used before. Hence, the reactions I give and take in are usually over-the-top, and I do not know how to reasonably work them out.... Another flaw, weakness or whatever you want to call it.

But, honestly, I don't know who I am, what I like, what I don't like. I just do things for a while till they bore me, and that really sucks. Why? Because I WANT to do something for more then a few months that I love, if not love then really enjoy and just can not dive into it but hopefully have some solid base that I will not tire of it. I really don't know what that is.

I guess the only thing I *do* know that is I want and need stability, in friendships, relationships, air, life, water quality, same bathroom, work, Everything. I have never had it before and slowly I'm getting a footing. Its hard to get a base when shit keeps leaving my life. I cannot accept myself as something stable, yet. I don't know why.. But.. Not yet. Lastly, I cannot relaly depend on anything cause I'm afraid it will leave me, so I do not put 'everything' into it. So I cannot experience it fully. I mean that with everything, though I can apologize for it, that will not make it any different. I do not appreciate myself for it and I do feel that I disrespect those who I cannot put myself into fully for fear of being hurt. I am sorry. To you for that. To myself for being that weak. ...Mayhaps I can feel something later, I'm numb now, I think.

-Xeno

Thoughts:       |||    Binds of my Soul; June 21; 2004;       ||| ;;

Well it seems that I've discovered I am more blind then ever before. Mayhaps it is true, "You only know that you do not know." Because a year ago I would of told you I'm completely content with who I am and that I knew myself thru and thru. But within the last few weeks I've been discovering that my mind, my spirit and soul has been tied, strapped, pushed, hit, beaten, mangled and throughly chewed up by the jaws of life and mostly everyone I know, including parental figures. My new thoughts of myself are that I am a simple, but very complex automation. A mental picture of how I see my inner demons would be some type of robot or machine that has been laced with chains and wraps to keep it from moving fluidly and functioning to its best ability. My thoughts are so hindered by past experience that I have a sickening initial thought. I've learned that as I grew I used a simple sub-concious effort to help me deal with all the pain and emotional distress that I was drowning in. I forgot. I simply forgot. I never allowed myself to remember anything, becaues if you cannot remember it, it will not hurt you. Furthermore, upon this thought I did not allow myself to understand emotion. Now I can understand alot of people saying 'Uh you know emotions are natural.' I'd agree, but I was only taught and raised with: Hate, Anger, Pain, Suffering and Guilt. I never was offered any type of path of serenity or simply enjoyment! I tell you this, I cannot enjoy anything one hundred percent. I do not think I can explain it, but I just cannot seem to grasp the idea or feeling of complete happiness because that emotion is too strong, I'm too weak to have that emotion or to be overwhelmed by such a powerful force. And this is for anything, love or hate, so I'm placid. It ish ard for me to accept such a misunderstood tool such as feelings. So for now, I guess I am an animal for I do not feel pity when humans are hurt, abused, or even killed. I do identify with nearly any animal being hurt.

So, I am still growing within my breast.
A soft warm yearning wishes to expand.
E even though these dread chains keep such a want
from breaking free.
My pulsing heart is awakening,
and the warm tingling of fresh life.
Time has only made this binds stronger over my spirit, and for that
I must, and I will become stronger to shatter those binds.

-Xeno

Thoughts:       |||    Well of Tears, Galaxay of Pain; May 24; 2004;       ||| ;;

The last three or four days have probably been the most painful, heart wrentching, emotionally battering, intellectually destroying days of my life. I have alot to let out, and more then what I really want to let out. For once I am actually going to retain one aspect of my emotions, and let another out. Someday soon I'll admit what happened this week, but I am too ashamed of it right now. To begin, I'd like to declare that I have only cried twice in my entire life. Cried from the savage dull knife of emotional hurt jutting into my breast. The first time was when my dog died, yes pathetic you may presume, when I was thirteen years old. I cried for about three minutes then forced myself to stop. All my life I've been told not to cry, to hold it in and be a man. Not indirectly either. I was told this with brute force behind those words and a fisted hand to keep my cheeks good and dry. The second time I have cried was simply yesterday morning. I allowed myself to open up to a girl I'm rather fond of. I told her what I was going thru and what I was feeling. It was so sad, and corny and silly that she gave me a 'magical kiss' that would let me cry. It was silly, and I was fighting between two thoughts of 'Am I going to let this stupid little line mean anything?' and the other thought was that my cheeks were already wet. I was crying, for the first time ever I was told it was OK to cry. I do not know how to explain such an immense feeling, though I cannot say I cried whole heartedly because I've worked so hard at keeping it in. I am proud to say that this is a start and I do have an entire ocean of tears yet to be seen. I want them to come out for I hold an entire Galaxy of pain, past memories, insults, belittling, abuse, neglect, isolation and ignorance to be wept for. I've been drowning in the magnitude of this realization. Every layer of dead, enigma, false, and coarse skin that I unearth from my soul [ That of which is a true persons being] the more open and vulnerable I feel. I've been so used to holding everything in and now my barrier, my strength, my shield has been all but forgotten, or lost, or left behind. So, I don't know at this point. I've had hit such an emotional milestone, I'm not sure if I wish to rejoice, press on, or retreat. I am to timid to enjoy my own inner freedom. I am too afraid to press on at this moment because I'm already shaking in ecstacy of what I've learned. And I know I cannot retreat because I used to live a facade, a shell. And knowing how it fit an that I've grown, I will never be able to squeeze back into it without shattering such an ideal.

So now I weep
So here I cry.
I care not of heavens,
Only to fly.
The hills of glory roll like the ocean,
The unearthly sights, do not fade.
My wings are spread,
my heart thunders,
I am here now, weeping wonders.
For you to see, is my serenity
For you I fear. For this, I cry.

So I do not know now. I'm absolutely lost at the moment.I have no witty remark, no catch phrase nor mind twister.
I have laid out my heart, my tears, my mind. ~Xeno

Thoughts:       |||    'Understanding: Women?; May 3; 2004;       ||| ;;

If not wanting to be an emotional handful to a significant other is what one would call noble, does that mean I will never allow myself to be close to someone? Does my chaotic and morbid past disallow me to enjoy the feeling of a relationship? It sure has affected my view and opinion of women. Sorely abused, internally, it brings this corrupt view that they are out to harm me or do injustice to my character. My defense is my ignorance. I am afraid to let them close for fear of being hurt again. Being nearly twenty years old, my first semi-decent relationship with a female is my fathers girlfriend. She treats me with respect and communicate with me on an intellectual level. She doesn't ask anything from me nor does she offer any sort of intimidation. This is all so beyond my comprehension I cannot even explain it. I literally am on another planet if a female treats me with dignity or a hint of respect without wanting something more out of it. It is still a shock for words when another female wants to be a friend... I've never had a female friend and find the idea so puzzling and mystifying. Surely there are a few out there who think I'm insane because they are just females, girls, sisters, daughters, aunts, grandmothers, mothers. Half the population... I have not had decent contact with in all of my life and it is so troubling, so disturbing and soul-shattering to myself when I do find one I enjoy spending time with or hell, even talking to! They are an alien creature to me because I've never been close to one. I have been with them before in my past but it was only a physical pleasure. I have never enjoyed the presense of a female for the mere fact of friendship. For tonight, I do not believe I'll ever get over this shock. It is still too hard on my emotions to take this feeling of surprise and discovery. But of course with new terrain comes fear. I am afraid it will happen again, females will harm me or abuse me in the ways I've been grown up to believe was 'correct'. Those of physical beatings, emotional bashing and intelliectual defiling. I am hurt by all of this, so don't be shocked if I react like a wild animal to such a new and wild idea of friendship. I am sorry, I cannot understand it yet.

~Xeno

Thoughts:       |||    'Another out of body'; May 2; 2004;       ||| ;;

How trutly curious it is.. To be driving home and have a set plan to mayhaps go into a small liquor store to pick up a soda and some gum, then decide that it wouldn't be in the best interests for whatever reason. Choosing this, I continue on past the small store and oddly have an epiphany. I can see myself pulling into the parking lot and stopping. Turning off my car and going in. Doing my usual routine even talking to the clerk inside. It is so strange, I can actually see all this as if it were in another parallel universe. So as I am driving still I feel all this going on and I can sense everything that I do or choose. It is all beyond words and comprehension. So even now as I speak, I would be coming in through the door and taking a seat where I am now. Deciding wheither I should be typing this out or not. It is all very curious, I feel myself in another place. But does that mean this conscript typing before you is true?
~Xeno

Thoughts:       |||    'Ocean of self'; April 8; 2004;       ||| ;;

I havn't figured out how deep, or thick, or whatever metaphor you want to used for twisted the human mind gets. I keep trying to see them, they, you, from an objective point of view. To find out what makes us continue on and grow and shrink and hurt. Then I realized tonight, I am what I'm studying. Though I keep thinking to myself. "No, I am shallow, I have these problems, these thoughts and feelings and weaknesses. But I know someone, almost everyone out there is deeper or has more to them!" This must but.. But is it? I don't know. It seems that I keep going further within myself and seeing everyone else as a simple shell, or a very shallow koi pond. I'm in an ocean of myself. I mean that in the most modest way. I am not narccistic. I mean I keep finding myself more and more put on the spot because I still can NOT figure out what the hell we are.

We, as humans. Are physically perfect. I am trying to find out what other creature has the arm span the same size as their height. I think of a boar, or a cat, or a camel. Nothing really matches up. Mayhaps we are a virus [The Matrix, corny yeah but very interesting thought.] I... still just dont know. I want to, so I'll keep learning and watching. But for now I am more confused with myself then anyone out there. So, I apologize.

Xeno
/9999

Thoughts:       |||    'Love'; September; 30; 2003;       ||| ;;

Love, one of those 'powerful' and 'immeasurable' and 'undefinable' forces in life... Yet I neither fear nor wish of such a thing. I know, within my soul as a concious person. I will never love another. I have no yearn, no want to. I can only embrace such other peers as friends and nothing more. I have no love to offer and wish of no love to receive. I enjoy solitude. Though I have no wish to be alone. I do not seek out a 'companion'. I've never had an opportunity to have someone of a 'perfect' nature that would be in essence, right for me. It has, won't and never will happen. Some may pity me, but I only pity as I see such as a layer of life, much like religion, that is only used for the weak. Yet I could be a hypocrite and have a girl under my arm next week. Though I *highly* doubt that if I do become affectionate with a female, that it will lead to more then such. They will not be an emotional attachment. ~Xeno

Thoughts:       |||    Clarification; April; 16; 2003;       ||| ;;

I see that each of my friends controls an aspect of my life, not directly to do something but more so my ability to live... If I lose a connection between them. I might die in one form or another.  For this.. Should I treasure their bonds? Yes... But.. I take this treasuring for granted.. Then I treat them without respect. Which then ends my life. I cannot mature enough to take a friendship seriously and to respect who they are. No apology could fix shattered trust. ~Xeno

Thoughts:       |||    Clarification; April; 15; 2003;       ||| ;;

A friend spoke that my recent thoughts, and views have began to take form of clarity and revelation. I too have just noticed this as they spoke that. It was almost odd.. To think that these thoughts, and ideas.. Could lead to something more specific.. A brighter area.. A funnel.. But yet I know where this began, at birth... And shall but cut short before I am to finish at death? Surely this could... Be something that I work at within my self to reveal and understand my life, my mind and simply thought. Shall I find clarity? But yet isn't that all what we wish to know? To know what is, what is truth, what is right, what is expected... Then that would be the simplistic brightness of our lives.. For each one of us to be bound in an endless glow of the spotlight and be correct in knowledge and heart with no secondary thoughts of imperfection nor impudence. All of our journeys lead to one thing or another, but yet we all take our steps near the goal. This is not a philsophetic proposal. These are my thoughts, and they are not to be respected nor admired. They are to be read and forgotten. I've expected that much and will continue to place down my so-called enlightenment as I feel I come to such. This is not a falsity, this is not a cry of help.. This is my mind. My maelstrom. And my life.~ Xeno

"Even the longest journey's begin with a single step' -Chinese Proverb

Thoughts:       |||    Morality; April; 07; 2003;       ||| ;;

I guess our morality is based on our actions, I doubt fate could be apart of such an suspicious workings. Life is simple, if you choose it to be simple, despite how much hell you could have going through it. Few realize that they can be sanctioned of their choasity from their minds and preset notions. Of course, we will have probablmatic occasions in our cycles but it does not mean we shall be forever burdened in them. Our dramatic, humanisc counterparts feel such is true... Forever linked in such. But it is a falsity. We are truly simple, with simple thoughts and ideas. Simple lifestyles and difficult decisions based on simple growings. To base our morality on chaos, would be false. We are simple, we need simple things and live for simple reasons. Only our choices lead us to become complex, facaded complexity in our simple journeys such as life. Unfortunate some life's end too quickly for morality to be noticed. Take in stride what you know and live your perfect life as we only have this one.~Xeno